All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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