Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize