remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
