I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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