I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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