Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
