theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
