RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
splinters make it hard to masturbate
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
