You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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