I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I got her a Nickelback box set.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
