I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
