saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
