He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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