I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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