just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Randomize
