Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
