my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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