no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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