Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
