There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
