How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
