Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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