I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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