Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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