I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
