My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
