I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Randomize
