Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Found the puke drawer
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
