He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
