fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize