i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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