she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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