Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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