Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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