maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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