Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
