I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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