i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
