i love accidental penises.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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