Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
