she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
