just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
