Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
