Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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