Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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