hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Randomize
