She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
