Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
