If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
