I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
