im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
