he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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