I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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