i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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