I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
