well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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