if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
