Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
