So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
