The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
